I am continually amazed by our humanness collectively and the desire to avoid exposing anything negative about ourselves, including fear, insecurity, errors in judgement, weakness, lack of knowledge, or just that we are uncomfortable. The length that we will go to to avoid feeling vulnerable is crazy. In taking a hard look at who I am and why (mostly because of trauma) proving myself has been such a focus for me at any cost, from a mental and physical health and relationship perspective. I find that the need is an innate desire to prove that “I’ve got this!”

The truth is none of us can say “I’ve got this.” Giving in and truly being vulnerable requires opening our eyes to the fact that any perceived control we think we have is false and a ploy of the devil used to distance us from the freedom that is available in Christ. Freedom comes in admitting the truth, admitting our vulnerability and embracing it while trusting in God, understanding that our perspective is limited by our humanness. Letting go of pride and the desire to lean on our own understanding.

Peace comes in accepting that we are not in control and truly letting go and leaning on God. Trusting that he will use the hills, cliffs, and valleys in our lives for His glory to reach others with His love. Trusting that one day the growth and closeness that we have gained through struggle will shape us into the truest version of ourselves, much like as a mom watching the struggles in your child’s life teach them and help them grow into better stronger versions of themselves, God is watching us hoping that we choose to learn and grow and draw closer to Him through our struggles.

The catch (for me and those close to me) is that from the outside your behaviors might not look that different. We should all give and serve, putting ourselves out there in whatever way we can using our gifts for His glory. The change is internal. I learned with the busyness of the last month or so that I am working just as hard but the change is in the level of exhaustion and type of tired that I feel. When I was “hustling for worthiness” (Brene Brown) the internal dialogue was alway negative, “you messed up here, you should have…., you didn’t finish this..”. at the end of the day I was exhausted and then added to that exhaustion by beating myself up. Picking myself up out of bed to do it all again knowing it would never be enough. Today I am tired, but the internal dialogue is “God, thank you for using me and allowing me to rest in you.” There is joy, not from everything going perfectly or anywhere close to mistake free, but instead from knowing that I made myself available and vulnerable and God was able to shine because I wasn’t so worried about shining myself. No more hustling for worthiness, thank you Jesus!