There has been a lot of reflection in my life on who God is, not the Americanized God, not God who is so watered down that He might as well not exist, but the true God. I have wrestled with the existence of God and through a journey into both historical, Biblical, and personal study have come to the conclusion that He most definitely exists. But then the question becomes who is He? There are many, many different views on who He is, can they all be true, is one more true than the other, or is one view true and all the others false. I think we have two major conflicts in this world today and they are both based in fear. We have those who cling tightly to legalism and are fearful to let themselves ask questions and on the polar opposite end we have those who are fearful to stop questioning and cling to any one truth. So where does that leave me? I have landed on the truth that God created us. I choose to cling to that truth for many reasons, but the truth is-I see God in everything and to deny His existence would be like saying that the trees and the sun don’t exist. I know I have felt His presence and I am fully aware of when I pull away from Him. So my questions at this point are not about the truth of His existence but instead, my questions are about who He is. So if He created us and this world and I am claiming that as truth, then I should be able to look at what he created and learn about Him. He created us, humans, we are critical thinkers, creative, inquisitive, we seek love as if it is the air we breathe, we all have opinions that center on what we believe to be just and fair. So if I pull from what I know about humans…maybe love is like air and it is the most important thing, but there is also this idea of justice/right/wrong, so that must exist too. In addition there is a need for community, purpose, contentment, peace, rest. So God must value those things too. What I find is that the complexity of being human is just a fraction of the complexity that exists within the character of God. I think when we swing too far in any direction we are likely swinging away from God. The pendulum swinging to pure self reliance, self indulgence, extreme rigidity, or life without boundaries at all; regardless of the direction, the extremes are all likely swinging far from God. God shows us that the answer is usually not in an extreme. It’s usually much simpler. It’s interesting to observe the polarization of people in this country, in the workplace, in families that is happening at such an exaggerated rate and reaching extremes of hate and disgust that is record breaking. This is born in the unbridled freedom of social media, the anger and rage on steroids in the form of ‘likes’ and ‘attention.’ We are seeking personal recognition and attention in any form over real invested relationships that foster tolerance of differences and compromise. The extreme, aggressive, thoughtless way at which we communicate is not the way God communicates with us. He speaks mostly through whispers, through tugs at the heart, and through the voices of those who love us enough to speak lovingly in disagreement. I’m exhausted by the drama of the self righteous, arrogant jabs that have become our new native language on both ends of the pendulum swing. The love I know to be true, the love I see at the heart of God , would be disappointed in all of us for losing sight of the truth that is love. We have lost the very meaning of love. We are arguing about love as if we know the meaning. I think we all have lost sight of what God meant when He said, God is Love. This is not a phrase to be used to push an agenda. Love is a word that has so much depth, that defining it could take up thousands of pages and still not scratch the surface. When I think of the truest expressions of love that I have witnessed in my life, they are all selfless. We use love as a word that is much like a weapon against one another to argue our cause, it is often filled with arrogance and used with an attitude that is so far from the concept of love that it’s nauseating. Long gone are the days of respectful disagreements and compromise. Long gone are the days where seeking truth means truly seeking truth, not manipulating things to convince others that your opinion is true through abrasive jabs. If we all could calm down and admit that we are all valuable, imperfect, and wounded, in need of what God defined as love….we might be able to find truth again. The amount of humble vulnerability that it would require of everyone, not just those who disagree with you, is huge, but it’s the only way to achieve what everyone is after….community, purpose, contentment, peace, rest, and above all love as defined by God. Let’s all define love in its purest form, without an agenda. Then let’s love like that.

Those who know me well know I will occasionally have a thought, question, or new life philosophy bloom in my head and I chew on them for months, occasionally years.

The past few weeks I have been spending time looking into personality, temperament, and coping strategies a lot more in effort to drive my own spiritual and emotional growth. Through this study and reflection, as well as through observation of behavior in others I have come up with a stark difference in how people respond to and view the word ‘should’.

This has been something I have chewed on for a couple weeks and I have some thoughts. We view the word ‘should’ through the lens of our temperament, personality, and coping strategies. I will start with what I have decided is my view/reaction to the shoulds that I encounter in my mind and from others. The first emotion/feeling I have with hearing/thinking ‘should’ is entrapment and an odd claustrophobic-like feeling and an immediate sprinkling of shame. I think this is grounded in trauma and personality for me. I don’t like external boundaries at all and ‘should’ feels like forced boundaries somehow. So, because if that, my immediate response internally is one of rebellion and escape. This is an great reaction when the should is something being forced on you, that is in fact not safe/healthy/wise. What I find interesting is that I have this reaction regardless of the ‘should’, even when it IS wise/healthy/safe. I see this in many areas of my life and it is often the origin of my innate stubbornness.

In others, I have noticed the opposite. ‘Should’ as an internal thought or a suggestion, for these people, is not an option/possible solution or even a choice. ‘Should’ means do it or face an unbearable amount of guilt or face the worst possible outcome/consequence guaranteed.

As with most things, the truth is in the middle and the implementation of any ‘should’, *should* be on a case by case basis. Meaning we *should* fully analyze the motivating factor/emotion, the values/goals of the one voicing the ‘should’,our internal dialog, and the possible outcomes/consequences. It’s interesting how much we learn about ourselves in analyzing how we approach the word ‘should’. Is it grounded in an unrealistic expectation of ourselves that we would never place on other people? Is it grounded in what someone else will think if we don’t? Is it grounded in fear, someone else’s value system, or our own? Is it grounded in taking on responsibilities that belong to someone else? Is it so we will be seen as the martyr?After thinking through this, I want to encourage you and myself to slowly consider the decisions I am making surrounding the ‘shoulds’ of my life and ensure that the origin, motivating factors, and my response are truly a result of Biblical discernment and nothing else.

The past few weeks a theme keeps surfacing. Maybe….life is really about the process of discovering who you are, and then the challenge is to remain who you are. In adolescence, we spend our time trying on different versions of ourselves and the lucky ones find who they are at their core…..Some spend their life searching. It has occurred to me that there are many things that can “steal, color, or damage” who we are at our core, but that cannot happen without our compliance. Life, to me, is a fight to hold onto who you are in the face of pain, illness, loss, trauma, fear, doubt, and uncertainty. Watching those close to me face some devastating, seemingly unbearable circumstances, living day in and day out with, not one but all of these things tied to their ankles, has left me with the image of a person fighting hour by hour, minute by minute to remain purely themselves. Really that is all we can control…..that’s all we have power over is to refuse to allow the tragedy, the trauma, the undeniable injustices and uncertainties of this world to change who we are. It is in holding onto who we are that we truly understand the meaning behind these verses.

These verses have always been life verses for me. It is the hope that I cling to, but I think the depth that I have come to, in my absorption of the truth of this verse, has become a guidepost of sorts. There are many things about the Bible and my life in Christ that get more clouded and lead to more questions as I grow in my faith and become more aware of the limitations of human understanding and the desire of humans to oversimplify His existence and His word. But suffering and becoming a more pure version of who God created you to be is more deeply understood and palpable than ever before for me now. The depth at which I see the beauty in the struggle and the elaborate depth that one gains holding onto who you are through the struggle can not be gained any other way. I find that the truth of this helps me to see the vision of and HOPE for the depth of our joy in heaven. There is no joy without a deep understanding of suffering, my HOPE lies in the promise of eternal peace, joy, and love and the absence of the emotional, physical, or mental torture of this world.

Today has brought me to my knees for many reasons. I don’t think it is a mistake that, on Easter, God stepped in and illuminated my attempts to justify perfectionism once again in my life. It is amazing how frequently we learn and relearn the same lessons. However, I do feel like each time we learn it it takes us deeper into the patterns and dysfunction and gives us an opportunity for deeper insight into ourselves and a deeper appreciation for grace and mercy. This also exposes an opportunity for more depth in healing. Two experiences today rocked me more than I was expecting and revealed ugly spots in my heart. It still amazes me that no matter how much of your life you dedicate to self discovery and growth, there is always more ugly to uncover. Thus the desperate need for Christ, His death, and Resurrection. Peter wanted to rely on His own love for God and selfishly encouraged Christ to find another way. Jesus said, “those are satan’s words”. And then informed Peter that he would deny Him three times before the rooster crowed.

I am so much like Peter. I assume my closeness with Christ and the stability I find in that relationship will keep me from sinning against Him. That is arrogance. It is by assuming that I can be held to that standard and pass, that I commit the sin of pride. We as humans when we accomplish something, especially after working hard, (like the journey of healing with PTSD), feel like we have arrived, or at the very least feel proud of our journey. Which in some ways is not bad, however this unknowingly opens the door for Satan to creep in with pride and arrogance. It seeps in and we don’t notice until it hits us in the face.

Today I realized that I still have walls of protection I build around me in the form of perfectionism and judgement that weight me down and in effect weight down those closest to me. It can also do much damage to the image of Christ or in the very least the reputation of Christians, as I publicly align myself with Him. It is through looking closely at Jesus saying, “It is finished,” and rising again during this Easter weekend that I find myself so desperately needing the gift of His sacrifice. Leaving me, instead of prideful, with a heart full of gratitude and a desire to serve Him in my brokenness, not through feeble attempts at perfection. My heart is forever grateful that His love and grace never waver despite my brokenness, no matter how many times my human mind and heart must relearn. His arms are always there to catch me.

The past few days there has really been like a burning desire in my heart for the promise of heaven. I agree with this statement of C.S. Lewis. One of the greatest agreements for the existence of a creator is the burning desire of mankind to find God and the innate sense that there has to be something more. That desire for God, for answers, and that deep knowledge that this world cannot be all there is in my mind is the foundation of faith. Where did that desire come from if not planted by our God, and revealed to us as a deep intuitive knowledge that He, God exists? Mankind has sought to find Him from the beginning of history as we know it. Searching for meaning and searching for truth is at the root of human existence, it drives us and it is the emptiness of human life without meaning and truth and the value of life with it that becomes the proof that Truth and Meaning are there to be found. In addition to the freeing nature of truth and meaning, it’s the existence of right and wrong as concepts that also give us a hint into the logic behind there being a higher power. No matter what side of any issue you land on, your opinion or passion is grounded in what you believe to be right and wrong. The complexity of just determining what is right and good versus what is wrong or bad means that in us somewhere we all believe there is a barometer for what is good and true and what is evil and bad. What is that measuring tool and where did it come from if not from a higher all-knowing power? C.s. Lewis challenges us with these lines of thinking and through exploring these concepts I have found freedom in a deep faith that though I cannot know the entirety of who God is, I know He is there.

We look at life with it’s beginning and ending, as Americans, like a timeline to in which our purpose becomes to acquire, accomplish, or experience things, people, or places or as an excuse to live life our way without really considering the cost very much. We approach life as if it owes us something and if we don’t receive what we are owed, somehow we have been ripped off.

What would happen if we looked at life as the training ground for our true home, our life eternal? What would happen if we truly believed the experiences in life were solely to shape us and mold us into our true self, the self we were created to be? What if who we are at birth is just a hint of who God intends for us to become, and that in His wisdom he uses our experiences both good and bad to shape us and mold us into our true selves if we surrender to Him? In surrendering we allow Him to be the potter and end up looking to Him with praise and in awe of his wisdom in creating a world where we can fall and get up wiser.

If I look at life through that lens then life is no longer a clock ticking down with less and less time to experience, have, or achieve what I ‘deserve’. Instead it becomes a training ground where I put in the time training, but all the time looking forward to the payoff that comes when the clock finally stops. Knowing that time with my loved ones and with God doesn’t end when the clock stops, but instead it truly begins with a new more pure and completely fulfilling life. A life that will no longer bring with it the pain of the struggle experienced in this world, but instead gratefulness for the pruning that the struggle brought and the joy in knowing the struggle is no more. In the place of that struggle, there will be the unveiling of the truth and meaning we have sought since birth and immeasurable gratitude that would not be known without the history of struggle.

It is interesting to think about what it means to be made in His image. What is it about our human state that is a picture of God? It’s an amazing thing to dig into. Our emotional nature, our feelings, are there because God values feelings and emotion. Jesus felt love, loneliness, anger, abandonment, pain, hope, joy, and sorrow. This tells me that emotion has value to God and gives life meaning. Logic is also of God, for His intellect and wisdom are evident throughout creation. Wisdom and discernment are most definitely qualities of God. Science, math, problem solving, executive functioning, and all cognitive abilities make us inventors and creative problem solvers.

What I find interesting is that we often try to use emotion and logic to find peace and contentment. We think of peace and contentment as an emotions. To me these are not emotions, but the state of the soul. Although God gave us emotion and logic, He didn’t intend for us to lean on logic and emotion to find peace. When in tribulation or periods of struggle we often turn to our emotion or logic to find a solution and only when the solution is found, implemented, and the struggle eliminated, do we feel peace or contentment. One can be sad and at peace or happy and at peace. Peace and contentment are often mistaken for happiness. In my opinion, joy is also less of an emotion and more of a state of the soul. There is a distinct difference in happiness and joy. The problem is when we think peace and joy can only occur when we solve the problem or eliminate the struggle with our logic or wait to feel good first. For we are told that this life is full of tribulation, so waiting for the hill top moments for peace and joy will leave us ruminating in a valley of negativity for most of our lives. Instead, through growth in relationship with God, we can uncover the peace and joy deep in our soul awakened in the midst of the struggle through closeness with God. It’s a gift, but it is only unwrapped when we let go of defining, in our mind, the line of circumstance where peace will occur.

When we use logic or emotion as the vehicle used to acquire peace and joy, it’s like the carrot dangling in front of the rabbit that he will never catch. Instead when we surrender, when we embrace the struggle, and surround ourselves with God’s Truth, that is when joy and peace illuminate your soul. It is then that they flood into our hearts and we notice them within us with amazement and wonder. Leaving us with a grateful heart in awe of a God who gives peace and joy so generously.

Peace and joy seem elusive. However, when we eliminate the fear and anxiety that has us frantically chasing them with logic and emotion, we realize they are within us buried by that fear and anxiety. Once we let go and trust in the promises of God, they burn so brightly within us that the struggle pales in comparison.

I envision a state of consistent joy and peace in heaven, no longer will they seem so elusive, but instead only magnified to a level we can’t even imagine in this broken world. Until then, I am forever grateful for a taste of the joy and peace we have now being made in His image.

Today my family and I have all struggled with this in different ways. It led to a discussion that really brought the importance of this to light. As children, the devil plants seeds in our minds that are untrue and very dangerous if we are unaware of their existence. One of satan’s favorite lies is that I’m only loved or worthy if I am…….good, successful, the best, beautiful, funny, wealthy, give gifts, etc. Another thought that sows deep seeds is if you worry and strategize you can keep bad things from happening.

None of these are true and the deeper they hide and the longer we believe them the more devastating to our emotional and spiritual health they can be.

In this journey of healing it is easy to think that after two years of digging that I have uncovered all of the false truths in my mind. That is most definitely not the truth and feeling confident is just the opening Satan needs to slide in another seed to cause anxiety in a gradual way that is most of the time unnoticed.

He succeeded in slipping a seed today, but God used a conversation with my daughter to unveil it to me. It highlighted the fact that we need to pray daily, probably even hourly, that God would reveal the false truths that are hiding in our minds and directing our behavior and taking our focus off of Him and His plan for our lives.

After my conversation with my daughter about the false thoughts that I was seeing in her behavior she said, ‘I’m mad.’ I asked, ‘at who?’ She said, ‘at the devil for playing with my mind.’ I reminded her that we have the power through Christ to take our thoughts captive and to refuse to believe the falsehoods that the devil tries to sneak in. In reminding her, I was also reminding myself. That, my friends, is an amazing gift.

Life is HARD. I’m constantly reminded that there is no free pass in life for bypassing struggle and pain. However, I am also learning truth about the significance of the struggle.   All of the quick one liners we hear when we are in pain that are hurtful and not very helpful run through my mind. We all know them. 

“God won’t allow things to happen that you can’t handle.”

“God must think you are strong to give you this battle.”

“All things happen for a reason.”

There are many more. There are whole books written on what not to say, but there are very few written on what to say. 

The problem is the RIGHT thing to say doesn’t exist without a true deep concern and willingness to sit in the struggle too.  It’s not what you say that helps, but your level of comfort sitting in the pain with someone. A person in pain can feel your discomfort, your fear, your uneasiness, and avoidance. That is truly where the frustration with the one line scripted responses comes from. There is truth in SOME of those one liners, but the attitude and willingness to face the struggle head on with you is what is truly missing. 

If you truly want to help someone who is in the valley and struggling. Ask to go to lunch, bring them a gift and stay, open up about how much you hate this for them. Be available, help with the little things that may be overwhelming for them, do them without making them figure out the logistics. Sometimes, if it’s all you can manage, a simple, “I hate this is happening” is the best response. Be willing to tear up and show them that you truly do hate it. 

Also, be available to say the hard things they may need to hear. Pray to be a vessel the Lord will use in their lives and don’t shy away from pointing out God’s promises or challenging their faulty thinking when God exposes it to you. We are to serve and love one another but that doesn’t always look like hearts and flowers. 

Let’s learn to sit in the mess with each other, to cry with each other, to engage when it’s uncomfortable, to serve one another without reservation or avoidance.  This is so important for loving one another well and for truly growing to be more like Christ ourselves. 

The new norm is to shy away from pain. Hide from it like that will make it go away. Facing hard things is a lost art. But the spiritual, relational, and emotional growth that comes from facing hard things together is SO VERY worth it. 

This is also getting lost in parenting. The new norm is to manipulate, fix, and allow our children to avoid pain, hard work, and struggle. This is creating an even more disconnected world because our children reach adulthood having struggled very little, and not being able to relate to others in the struggle. It lands our kids with very superficial relationships and very immature spiritual and emotional lives. They also cannot relate to those children who live without a referee or goalie and have major struggles. They could be such a blessing to those kids if we gave them the tools, but instead we leave those kids with more people who avoid their pain and cause them to feel alone in the struggle. 

Trauma is a huge hot topic today because of the new trends in this country and the fact that,”hurt people, hurt people.”  If we don’t stop the cycle of avoidance and superficial approaches to those deep in hurt, no matter what push we have nationally, the trend towards a population lost in the deep valley of PTSD and drugs will continue. Don’t forget that it is also true that “healed people, heal people.” Don’t avoid facing your pain, face it, grow, heal, and go serve and love others bringing them to a place of healing. Let your children be a part of that. This is where the answer to the Trauma and Opiate crisis lies. 

God in his wisdom knew that a perfect life without free will would make depth and true relationships impossible. A carved out perfect existence would make it impossible to have growth because we would be perfect, all the same with no experiences to teach us the power of love and joy. There has to be something to compare love and joy to in order for them to really exist. Unfortunately, freewill lends to corruption of love and joy.

I think the new parenting trend has parents trying to give kids the perfect life that we wish existed, but that can’t with the gift of freewill. No matter how hard we try we can’t give them a struggle free or perfect life. The crazy thing is the more we help them avoid struggle the more superficial their understanding of love and joy gets and the more selfish and self serving they become. 

As parents we need to sit in the struggle with our kids, show them our struggle. Let them experience watching you navigate the hard things in life with prayer, grace, and mercy, not with avoidance, alcohol, or aggression. Don’t let them leave the nest without experiencing what it means to struggle well. If you do, they will look to earthly ways of avoiding struggle and there are so many destructive ones that exist. 

Watching my children experience this thing called life, completely unscripted, with us has been unbelievable. My kids already at 12 and 7 know my story, the stories of those close to us, and those stories are shared daily. They understand that this life is hard and that struggle comes to all of us. We are teaching them how to be honest with themselves and us about their experience with struggle and challenging them to struggle well. I tell them all the time that I can’t wait to see what God will do with them because they are learning what I am at 39 when they are 12 and 7.  Imagine the growth that they can experience in their lifetime learning such valuable and life changing skills this young. Don’t underestimate what your children are capable of understanding, don’t hide your struggle, grow with your children through it. Through this kind of living God can move mountains in our lives and use us to help Him move mountains for others. 

For so long my joy was held off until….(this happens). The struggle came when I realized that even when that thing or event happened, there would be a new thought about a new thing/event that needed to happen before joy was possible. Chasing joy, banking on it coming through earthly happenings is futile.

Now I realize that joy comes in embracing Christ at all costs, in all moments, in all messes. His embrace brings joy. Only his embrace. A calm peaceful, joyful spirit is not achieved through earthly effort, happenings, or achievement, it only comes from a wholehearted closeness with God. One that comes with surrendering all that you are to Him every minute, one minute at a time.