Today has brought me to my knees for many reasons. I don’t think it is a mistake that, on Easter, God stepped in and illuminated my attempts to justify perfectionism once again in my life. It is amazing how frequently we learn and relearn the same lessons. However, I do feel like each time we learn it it takes us deeper into the patterns and dysfunction and gives us an opportunity for deeper insight into ourselves and a deeper appreciation for grace and mercy. This also exposes an opportunity for more depth in healing. Two experiences today rocked me more than I was expecting and revealed ugly spots in my heart. It still amazes me that no matter how much of your life you dedicate to self discovery and growth, there is always more ugly to uncover. Thus the desperate need for Christ, His death, and Resurrection. Peter wanted to rely on His own love for God and selfishly encouraged Christ to find another way. Jesus said, “those are satan’s words”. And then informed Peter that he would deny Him three times before the rooster crowed.

I am so much like Peter. I assume my closeness with Christ and the stability I find in that relationship will keep me from sinning against Him. That is arrogance. It is by assuming that I can be held to that standard and pass, that I commit the sin of pride. We as humans when we accomplish something, especially after working hard, (like the journey of healing with PTSD), feel like we have arrived, or at the very least feel proud of our journey. Which in some ways is not bad, however this unknowingly opens the door for Satan to creep in with pride and arrogance. It seeps in and we don’t notice until it hits us in the face.

Today I realized that I still have walls of protection I build around me in the form of perfectionism and judgement that weight me down and in effect weight down those closest to me. It can also do much damage to the image of Christ or in the very least the reputation of Christians, as I publicly align myself with Him. It is through looking closely at Jesus saying, “It is finished,” and rising again during this Easter weekend that I find myself so desperately needing the gift of His sacrifice. Leaving me, instead of prideful, with a heart full of gratitude and a desire to serve Him in my brokenness, not through feeble attempts at perfection. My heart is forever grateful that His love and grace never waver despite my brokenness, no matter how many times my human mind and heart must relearn. His arms are always there to catch me.